TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely outside of place. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have A different put where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide All people a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. Trump Tower Damascus The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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